DGM Airlines
by Takanami
Summary: Need to get to your connecting flight ASAP? Tired and frustrated of sleeping in airport terminals while your flight is delayed and/or cancelled? Ever worry about terrorists taking over? Never fear, DGM Air is here (if you don't mind an a pilot who drinks on the job, a flight attendant who threatens to kill annoying children, some odd passengers and a little turbulence).


A/N: This is part two in our unofficial series of drabbles called _Putting Kanda is jobs he is entirely unsuited for and yet strangely effective in_. As you can guess, we were on many a boring plane ride in our urge to escape the horrendous heat of summers in the midwestern US for the cold, rainy and (as far as we can tell) sunless UK. At some point in JFK (never, ever get a connecting flight through JFK), we recalled _DGMPD_ and thought that being an airline attendant would be yet another job that Kanda would be very effective in. Scary, but effective. _  
_

**ALSO** if anyone has another job that would be hilarious to see Kanda in, along with the rest of the DGM crew, feel free to send us a PM. This will not be an official series of drabbles, but since we write them up so quickly, we are not adverse to taking requests (so long as they make us laugh).

* * *

Allen looked up from his book as the redhead flopped down in the seat next to him. The airport was crowded, leaving almost no space between commuters. His flight had been delayed for an hour and a half already, and the storms outside gave him reason to think he might just be waiting even longer. A lithe form sat down beside the redhead, much calmer and more composed than her friend.

"Wow, have you _seen_ that lightning?" the redhead asked, grinning at Allen. A green bandana held his flaming red hair back, showing off an eye patch over his right eye. He folded his hands behind his head and stretched out, his butt practically hanging off the chair with his legs stuck out in front of him. "I'm glad we've got such a long delay. There's no way I'm getting on a plane with that storm outside!"

"Right…" Allen said, looking speculatively over the redhead at his acquaintance. She gave a slightly embarrassed smile and shrug at the redhead's antics. Allen glanced back down at his book. He only had thirty pages left, and then he could start writing his essay on Thoreau's use of allegory. Hopefully he would have it done before they landed in Heathrow and he could send it to his professor to avoid a failing grade for lateness.

"Ne, what's that about?" the redhead lifted the book out of his hands and turned it around, looking at the title upside down. While he bent his head to the side to try and read it instead of just flipping it, his friend rubbed at her forehead in exasperation.

"Sorry," she said. "He doesn't know what personal space means. This is Lavi." She reached out with one hand. "Linali Lee."

Allen shook it. "Allen Walker. Is Heathrow your final destination?"

"Should be. Is it yours?"

"Yeah, I'm going to meet a family member there. Had to skip the last two days of school to get there in time for the funeral."

Linali blinked. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry, he had it coming. I'm surprised he didn't die sooner."

"…Oh." She seemed confused at his nonchalance and his blank expression, but he didn't elaborate and she didn't care to ask. Lavi was now reading the back cover of the book and didn't look like he was going to be giving it back anytime soon. "Are you from here?"

"Chicago? No, just a layover. You?"

"Road trip. We're going back home to England."

"This book looks boring," Lavi complained, practically tossing the book at Allen.

Allen scowled, catching it. "That's because it is. My teacher assigned it."

Lavi groaned and buried his face in his hands, sinking down even lower in his chair. "Ugh, I take back my earlier comment! I just want to be out of this blasted place already! Couldn't the storm have just waited for another hour?"

"You."

Lavi tilted his head back, peeking out between his fingers, while Linali glanced behind at the man. Allen didn't even turn around, flipping through his book to his earlier place. A pilot with long red hair and glasses was glaring down at Allen's head. The only reason they knew said afore he was a pilot was because of the wings pinned to his bright red tie and the standard black cap resting casually off-center. He was wearing an expensive Armani suit tailored to fit and a golden pocket watch peeked out from his jacket pocket, both pieces of attire completely out of the price range of a pilot.

"I didn't know you were on this flight," he said.

"I wouldn't have been if I knew you were flying it," Allen grumbled. "Going to Tykki's funeral, then?"

"Not if I can help it," Cross said. "The little runt still owed me money, which you're going to have to cough up if no one else pays it."

"I'll scratch it out from his niece," Allen said. "She's obsessed with me to an overwhelming degree."

"She is. If she were just a little older, you could scratch something other than her bank account-"

"Not everyone sleeps with every female they cross paths with, Cross. Particularly relatives."

"Of course not. No one else has my exquisite charm or wit to keep women entertained. In fact, I'm surprised any other male ever loses their virginity," he said to the back of Allen's head. Linali and Lavi exchanged glances, not entirely sure what was going on. "While you continue wasting your worthless life, I have work to attend to."

He walked down the aisle between two rows of chairs, raising his voice. "Passengers to Heathrow who were supposed to be departing half an hour ago! Pilot Anthony Scott is too much of a wuss to fly you out, so I'll be doing it myself. Boarding begins now. Ladies may proceed to the gate first, especially the beautiful ones. Anyone else doesn't even have to bother to get on."

"But, pilot!" a woman cried out. "It's in the worst part of the storm!"

He tossed his hair and gazed deeply into her eyes over the rim of his glasses. "I know."

She swooned.

A slightly smaller, but just as imposing, figure swept past in a long overcoat. His long black hair, tied back into a ponytail, flowed behind him. A lanyard around his neck displayed 'DGM Airlines' along with an ID. He shot a glare at a couple in his way and they moved. "You're all going to die," he deadpanned, undermining any skill of the pilot in one merciless blow.

Allen snorted. "Sorry, but shouldn't that be '_We're_ all going to die'?"

The man glared at him. "You heard me, beansprout. _You're_ all going to die."

"Scary," Lavi whispered in Allen's ear. "Is that a sword on his hip?"

The man shifted his gaze from Allen to Cross, who was comforting the woman who had swooned. "Hey, useless pilot. The plane's not going to fly itself." Cross met his stare. Sparks flew. Linali sighed, beginning to wonder if they were going to survive the flight.

* * *

It took five minutes to seat everyone, which was surely a record. The flight attendant's imposing presence and menacing aura was enough to make everyone dive for their seats as fast as they could, but the women's desire to see the pilot again also contributed. Cross also seemed like he was going to shut the hatch as soon as all the women were on and leave the males outside. Lavi practically shoved Allen the entire way, trying to stop him and attendant from having a row in the middle of the plane. Allen found his seat, continuing to glare at the attendant over the top of the seat in front of him. Two rows down, Lavi and Linali sat down, watching the exchange for entertainment.

Once everyone was settled, the flight attendant closed the hatch, ignoring a late couple who were yelling at him to wait. The passengers winced, hearing the couple pounding on the hatch to be let in. The attendant stepped out into full view of everyone, gaze roaming over them. "Alright, shut up!" he shouted. Everyone quieted immediately. The now-visible ID read 'Kanda Yuu.' "I'm going to give you the safety procedures once and only once, and when I'm done, I better not hear any goddamn crying babies. If we crash and you didn't listen, don't expect me to come back and haul your fat ass out of the wreckage."

"Glad we got that covered," Allen muttered.

"Did I hear something from the peanut gallery, dipshit?"

"Yes, sir! I was just wondering if that was a sword in your pocket or a stick up your ass!"

Lavi reached over the man in front of him to clap a hand around Allen's mouth before he could say anything more. Kanda glared at him for a few more moments before looking at the rest of the plane. "If you're not going to Heathrow, then get the hell off the plane now because you're in the wrong place. You're supposed to be landing at six in the morning, but the retarded pilot is going to crash us in the ocean way before then. As we lose altitude, these masks are going to drop out of the ceiling and hit you in the face. If you've got an infant or weak minded teenager-" a glance went Allen's way "-flying with you, help them first so we don't have to hear their whining, then get yours on so the rest of us don't have to climb over your dead body.

"If we happen to crash in the fucking ocean, which we will because there's just about nothing else of importance between here and England-"

"Like the East Coast, the Midwest, the rest of the US?"

"Shut up, bitch. If we crash in the ocean, these stupid ass rubber things are going to pop out of the side of the plane like ducks out of a toaster-"

"You put ducks in toasters. Wow."

"Shut your face, pipsqueak, before I do it for you. When they pop out, look out the window to see where they're at and then get to the closest exit to you. Grab the life vest that your ass is planted on and use it if you don't want to drown." Everyone looked confused for a moment. "Your seat cushions float, morons. The life vests are attached to the bottom."

He paused, seeing someone struggling further down the aisle. Lavi seemed unable to get his seatbelt on. Linali stopped trying to help and planted her face in her hands as Kanda strode towards the confused passenger. "For those of you idiots who need a demonstration on how to put a simple seatbelt on, pay attention." He grabbed the two ends of the seatbelt and jammed them together. "Click," he yanked the exposed strap as hard as he could to adjust the size, "and pull."

Lavi doubled over in pain as blood ceased to flow from his waist down. "I can't feel my nether regions," he whimpered.

Kanda went back to his place at the front of the plane. "Once the plane is in motion, the seatbelt sign is going to come on. Don't walk around until it's turned off or you will be executed on the spot." Nervous glances were exchanged, uncertain if he was serious but not wanting to test it. "Your carryon luggage better be under the seat in front of you-"

"Why?" Allen said. Lavi was in too busy nursing his privates to stop him. "What's the point when we're just going to get it out again?"

"So you don't trip over it and fall on your face like a fucking retard when you need to get out of the burning plane, dipshit. Just do what you're told." Allen folded his arms. "And finally, don't smoke."

The bathroom door at the back of the plane opened and Cross stepped out. He had a wineglass in one hand and a lit cigarette in his mouth. The entire plane turned to stare at him. He gave them a once-over, decided that commenting wasn't worth his time, and walked to the front of the plane. Kanda was in his way. The two stared at each other for a moment before Kanda jabbed a finger at his mouth. Cross glanced at the simmering end, as if he'd forgotten it was even there, and tossed the blackened butt on the ground. He continued on his way to the cockpit as two other flight attendants – name tags reading "Krory" and "Miranda" – ran forward to put the small fire out as it spread across the rug. Nearby passengers pulled up their feet and looked around for water to dump on it.

"If you enjoy your flight, feel no need to inform me. Annoyances will be mutilated and killed."

Kanda disappeared into the kitchenette. The seatbelt sign lit up and they began backing out from the terminal a moment later. Lightning flashed outside the plane and gale force winds battered the body of the plane. All of the passengers were dead silent.

* * *

"Cross, you need confirmation to take off," Komui complained, sipping at his coffee. He wouldn't have even noticed a plane was taking off in this storm, except Pilot Scott had raced to security when he had discovered his plane was gone. There was only one man stupid enough to do that. "And I'm not going to give it to you because I don't want to have the smoldering wreckage of your plane on the runway.'

"I don't need your bloody confirmation," Cross said in the same voice he would use if he were ordering food. "No one else can make this flight but I. The passengers need us, Komui. They need DGM Airlines to get them to their destination. They _need _us."

Komui sighed, dropping his head down into his arms on the desk in front of him. "Why do you make my life hell?" he moaned. "I'm going to get fired if you take off."

"No, you won't. Howe is in charge of your division, yes? Just tell her I said hello."

"Supervisor!" Reever said as he ran into the room. "Cross cannot take off! Your sister and Lavi Bookman have resurfaced and are on the plane!"

A serious expression crossed Komui's face as he abruptly stood up. He grabbed the receiver, watching the plane as it began to pick up speed. "Stop! You have two international-"

"Too late. The job must be done."

"Cross!"

"Whoops, losing connection."

There was a short burst of static as the connection severed. Komui and Reever exchanged looks.

* * *

Lavi stood up abruptly. They were only thirty minutes into their flight and hadn't even reached maximum altitude yet. Linali had a stern expression on her face. "Okay, everyone! I know I won't be as fun as your normal flight attendant, but I think you should listen to me all the same!"

"Get your ass in that seat now!"

"Flight Attendant Kanda," Lavi said smugly, making his job a title even though it wasn't one, "your services are no longer required."

"Sit the hell down before I make you."

"My accomplice and I are hijacking this plane."

Everyone stared at them for a moment. Allen turned around in his seat and raised an eyebrow at them. Lavi was still grinning.

"Sit down before you hurt yourself," Kanda snapped, stepping forward. Lavi's grin wavered and he subtly moved backwards. "I don't have time to deal with a hijacked plane that's crashing in the ocean."

"What's taking up the rest of your time? Meditating in the kitchenette?" Allen asked.

"Shut the hell up!" He strode past Allen, quickly entering Lavi's personal space. The redhead scrambled back, still grinning but definitely not as confident. "You," he growled as Linali slipped past him toward the cockpit, "had better hope that someone's going to bury you because I sure as hell won't be doing it. I suppose your body is just going to go down in the plane when it sinks. If you have any sense of-"

"_Who's flying the plane_?" Linali shouted from the cockpit. Everyone looked forward, seeing the open door and Linali standing in the empty area. A golden retriever puppy was sitting in the co-pilot's seat, tail wagging and panting happily. The pilot's seat was vacant

Allen blinked. "Timcanpy? I was wondering where you were." Timcanpy barked once, a large grin plastered on his face.

"I'll fly the plane!" Lavi said, raising his hand and stepping forward.

"NO!" half of the passengers shouted.

"Oh, it's on autopilot," Linali said, relieved. The plane shook in the wind and Linali, Kanda, and Lavi all stumbled to the side. Linali quickly sat down in the seat, turning it off of autopilot and taking control. "Okay, everyone! Please sit down because I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing!" Miranda and Krory ran to the front of the plane to help whilst Kanda stared Lavi down.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, hijacking a plane? Can you even tie your own shoes?" Kanda snapped.

"Uh…"

"You at least have demands, right?" Allen asked. Kanda shot him a look but he ignored it.

Lavi shrugged. "Linali's getting away from her overprotective brother, and I… What's the exchange rate from dollars to Euros? I need some money. My bank account went broke trying to find out where the older Bookman ran off to. I'd like some ice cream, too. Haven't had any in a while."

"You had better be joking," Kanda growled. Lavi shrugged, grinning slightly. The sword came out of its sheath and pointed at Lavi. "Sit the hell down before I murder you."

The plane tilted dangerously to one side as Linali struggled to avoid a storm cloud that had several flashes of lightning going off inside of it. "Everyone sit down!" she yelled. "That means you too, Lavi!"

Kanda shoved the redhead into a seat and sat down in the flight attendant's place by the cockpit. "I_ told_ you we'd crash in the ocean!" he snapped. Rather than return his blade to his hip, he sheathed it in the seat cushion beside him, giving Lavi the evil eye all the while.

"You could say, in a word, that we're flying blind," Cross murmured, emerging once more from the lavatories. This time, a woman came out with him and quickly retook her seat, face flushing bright red as she noticed the entire plane staring at them. "Hahaha… What's the panic out here? Miss me?"

"Goddamned pilot, get up here and _fly the damn thing_!" Kanda demanded.

"So touchy…" Cross moved past into the cockpit. He put a hand on Linali's shoulder and gently tugged her out of the seat. "No need to panic, dear lady, I will take care of this."

* * *

The passengers all looked like they were in shock by the time the plane landed in Heathrow.

"The time in England is none of your business and the weather is fucking fantastic. I've been here twenty-three times and haven't seen the sun once, so let me know if it still bothers to show its ugly ass face out here," Kanda said.

"Fly with DGM Airlines again for an adventurous flight!" Allen said loudly. Kanda glared at him.

"The next time you need to get somewhere in a hurry," Cross said to Linali in the cockpit as he pulled to a stop at the terminal, "this is my mobile." A business card was flourished from his breast pocket and slipped into her hand. "Just ask. I'm always available to hijack planes for such a beautiful young lady."

"Didn't you just do that?" Allen muttered, getting out of his seat. The passengers ran out of the plane as fast as they could, some to empty their stomachs and some to get out before blood was shed. Miranda and Krory looked exhausted, slumped in their chairs at the back of the plane. Linali left the cockpit, meeting up with Lavi. Kanda had kept him pinned to the ground with his sword for the duration of the flight after his little announcement. Linali tugged Lavi to his feet, and Kanda kept an eye on them as they started to leave.

Lavi waved at Allen. "Hey, some of the passengers felt so sorry for us that they gave us money! Want to come get ice cream with us?"

"After those flying maneuvers? Not so soon."

"You can finish reading your book," Lavi said, grinning. Allen sighed, rolling his eyes.

"If I ever see you on a plane again," Kanda growled, glaring at Lavi and Allen, "I will hang you off the side of it and watch your bodies get dragged along the runway. Are we clear?"

"Nah, run it by me again," Allen said with a flat expression. Kanda followed him off the plane as they shot insults back and forth. Lavi led the way to a shop outside the airport, where three of them did indeed get ice cream and all of them got coffee. The death threats continued for another hour until Komui sat down at their table. They all stopped talking for a moment to stare at him.

He hugged his sister. "You should have told me that you and Lavi were going to be testing flight security!"

"_What_?" Kanda and Allen yelled at the same time. Nearby conversation ceased for a moment, marveling at the volume and pitch of their voices.

Komui looked puzzled. "They didn't tell you? My Linali and Lavi work internationally to test flight security and do hijacking simulations."

Kanda glared at him and Lavi.

"So why isn't Kanda in airport security?" Lavi wondered aloud.

"That's another story," Komui said all too cheerfully. "He was in airport security not five hours before we decided he needed a different job. Granted, we arrested twenty-three people in that short time, but it was just too much of a hassle to keep shipping them out to the police stations." He glanced at Allen. "And you would be the passenger who-"

"Did absolutely nothing but get in the way," Kanda muttered.

"-helped calm things down. We wanted to offer you a job in public relations. You'd get to work with everyone complaining about Kanda and clean up any messes these two make," he said, gesturing to the other two.

"That sounds like a horrible job."

"Does it matter? You're not going to be able to graduate if you fail that class," Lavi said, a knowing look in his eye.

Allen's mouth opened and then shut. He groaned. "I guess I'm not going to need money to pay off Cross's debts and take that class again," he said weakly.

"Great! You start tomorrow."

"Wait, at least let me think about it!"

* * *

A/N PART 2: On second thought, we should not have been discussing this in the airport. If JFK hadn't been so crowded and noisy (AT 10 AT NIGHT!) we would surely have been flagged by security...


End file.
